It's time to 'Delete Blog'

I signed on tonight with the intention of deleting this blog since I never post anymore. I decided
to revisit some of the older post. I found myself amazed at where I was emotionally in September of 2008. It feels good to know that I have worked through some of those troubling feelings! I am definitely not the same person I was. Hallelujah! I might still keep the blog up, but know that I will most likely delete it. It is part of the de-cluttering process for me!

Am I Ever Going to be Enough!

I feel stuck today in the question, "am i enough." I work out with girls that are much smaller than me and I listen as they continue to eat good to hit a certain weight and then I look at myself, who is bigger than all of them, and say, "am i enough being the size that i am? am i enough just being me?" I didn't know that I would need that question answered over and over in my life. I thought I knew the answer. I sometimes want Trever to answer that question for me. I want it to be his responsibility to make me feel enough. I know this is my own journey and the only one who can answer that for me is my Heavenly Father. He has answered it for me multiple times. For some reason, I have forgotten what that feels like. I miss knowing that. Will I ever love me for just being me? As I write this, I know the answer to all of these questions. Ever since we moved, it seems that any question I have ever struggled with is coming up and vomiting itself all over me! What is that? Deanna calls it 'grief vomit' but I just feel plain crazy!

JUST KEEP SWIMMING!

Sometimes I have to remind myself to just keep going! Get up everyday and do something! So, we made the big move and we are pretty settled! I had amazing help from the sisters in the Green River Relief Society! My sister would tell people that we aren't going to call, so just show up if you want to help and show up they did! WOWZA! I can't tell you how loved I feel! AND Deanna would ask me everyday what we were going to work on and in my head I would think, "can't we just take a nap?" and she could read my mind and say, "NO! Let's do something!" So, everyday we would do "something" and lo and behold, it was as if, someone just transplanted our house to a different location! AMAZING! We are slowly adjusting! I can say that I have never felt such a range of emotions. I thought I had prepared myself for this. I knew it was coming so I why did I feel so blindsided when it actually came. I was hit with emotions that I didn't even know existed. My body couldn't suppress the emotions anymore and they just surfaced and it wasn't pretty. I tried to fight it for a few days and finally I couldn't. So I gave myself permission to just be whatever came. If I was mad, I just felt mad. I didn't try to work through it and tell myself that I shouldn't be mad or if I was sad, I just cried. I quit trying to rationalize all of my blessings in place of feeling. Did that make any sense? TODAY I feel great! Amazingly enough, once I let my emotions just come, I did a lot of healing. I have pockets of sadness and anger and resentment, but I KNOW that it is just part of being human.

Life goes on! As far as my eating, well, now that we are finally settlin' down, I am slowly trying to get control again. What I am trying to do more than just focus on eating right is to embrace me! I just want to be enough to myself. I wish I could love my body instead of finding all of it's weaknesses! Maybe, just maybe, if I started to celebrate all of the good things about my body it would let go of any extra weight! I just haven't figured out how to love this thing! Dangit!

So, through this process this is what I know for sure! I know that the Lord has a plan! I didn't want to move into this house, I wanted a different one in the other ward boundaries. I just figured that the Bishop would give us special permission since we were in limbo! I know that isn't how the church works, but it was worth a shot! Besides, the church is the same no matter where you go, right? Well, I can tell you that for whatever reason, the Lord wanted us in this home! My girlfriend called about three days after we started moving in and the house that I wanted was available and for $250 cheaper than this one! UGH! BUT when she told me I just had this feeling that we were where the Lord wanted us. Crazy! So, I know there is a plan! I also know that the Lord does provide! So many days, I just look at Trever and say, HOW? How will we ever do this? And how much longer til you get on with a Fire Department? Babe you need to have both jobs in order for us to make it! And yet we've made it so far! How will we do it for next month? I have no idea! This is for Trever to do! I so believe in him! I know he can! I know he will! I know it is my "job" right now to be positive and build him up! I hope I'm hearing the spirit right. I love the Lord! I know He loves us! I know I have much to learn and I hope I am somewhat getting it! Wish me luck! Love, Dorothy aka Dani

Permission to Eat what I want!

So, today, I have decided to give myself "OFFICIAL" permission to eat whatever the heck I want! I am done with all the 'rules'! So, let's just see how it goes!

Life has been pretty stressful! BUT, we are still going! I can barely find the words to describe what I feel, so I might need even more time to process.

Know that I love the Lord and love my hubby and my kiddios! That much I know!

Keep the energy drinks under control!

So, after reading an article in the Ensign and New Era I was reminded to keep those energy drinks under control! I am so proud to announce that I haven't had a monster in 4 days. I try to only drink one when I think I might collapse. At that, I would rather have a nap. I'm a sleeper! I am glad that I haven't traded my food addiction for energy drinks! I was afraid that I might do that and I started to! WAIT!!! I forgot that Tuesday I drank a Monster! UGH!!! I remember having a distinct impression when I was struggling to not drink Monsters. I didn't and I know it was for clarity purposes and to be able to feel the spirit. I think the underlying message for me is this: keep my life in control so I can stay healthy and well rested! I was so tired on Tuesday that I actually went to bed around 5:30ish. I slept until the next morning with no problem. My mom said that I put myself in time out around 3ish and took Tayla to practice some time that night. I don't remember any of it. My girls said that I came downstairs and sat in the chair and watched t.v. for awhile around 9ish. I don't recall that at all! I haven't slept walked in years! WOW!! I was super tired! I'm not sure why? But, now I am up and running!

I found myself reminded today about my body and what a gift it is from our Heavenly Father. I feel so blessed that I was chosen to come to this earth and receive a body. Why me? I know there are so many that are waiting to come. I just feel lucky! I also feel something inside of me that I haven't felt this strongly. I would describe it as awareness. I am so aware of myself that at moments I actually don't know what to do with that information and most of the time I am trying to push through something that is very uncomfortable. Growing up, you got up and kept going, regardless if you were hurt or not! I'm finding it hard to separate if I should stop because I hurt or keep going. I am elated that I am aware enough to know that I might actually hurt for a reason! I know that sounds insane, so bare with me.

Food this week is a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not in the dumps about it, but there is definitely room for improvement. I know that breads don't sit well with me. I feel so bloated and yucky and sluggish. I'm sad! I also want to eat a whole bag of chocolate chips when I'm finished eating a sandwich. Triscuits don't do that to me, which I find confusing. Yeast? I haven't checked the ingredients on the Triscuits box to know if it even has yeast.

Hot chocolate helps me sleep so good! I love my cup of hot chocolate. I don't have a cup every night, just because sometimes I am too lazy to even make it! Tonight I am teetering on whether or not I can muster up the energy! Oh how I hope so!

I'm having a hard time getting my water in me. I am so cold most of the time that I don't' have any desire to drink it! I usually get 1 liter in at the gym and then I try to get 3 liters in at home. I'm barely getting 2 liters in for the whole day! This bothers me and tends to stress me out! I do much better when I am at the gym!

This rambling is all for now! I want hot chocolate!

Recovering is tough!

Well, Thanksgiving went well if you are an alcoholic living in a bar! That's how I felt at my mom's house! She is the BEST cook, baker, nurturer, you name it! She has every comfort food one would want to feel warm, cozy, & at home! I started to beat myself up and give my self a real lashing when I just stopped! I'm fine! Today is a new day and I will just go back to how great I was doing pre-thanksgiving! Wow! Recovering is tough! I didn't realize how difficult it would be! I can do it and I WANT to do it! I think that is the best news! I want to have the clarity that I had and the energy. I wonder why I am constantly having to relearn. If I know how I feel when I eat great, why do I ever go down the sugar path? I guess that is the humanness in me!

Trever is doing amazing! I can't believe how different he is. I can't believe how different I am. I love the growth! He is testing to be a fire fighter and he passed his written a couple of weeks ago and today took a practice physical test and passed that! The real physical test is the 15th of December. I am so proud of him! He has done so many things lately that make me so grateful that I am still here. I can't imagine if I would of walked away from this and what I would of missed out on! I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough! I know He loves Trever & He too wants him to be succesful with his life! I know that letting go of trying to save it all and allowing my Savior to carry that for me is one lesson I know I needed to learn. The problem is that I have to keep practicing that lesson!

What does Trever doing so great have to do with me? Everything! I have to continue to let go and let him do his thing. I'm realizing that my eating sugar was a way of coping for many years. Now that I have developed this bad habit, breaking it and freeing myself from it is just going to take practice. I don't feel emotionally tied to it anymore, except diet coke, so I know it is learning how to break the habit and learn a new way of life! I find this exciting! Let's celebrate!

Is it wrong to eat just to be nice?

I went to a banquet last night and it happened to be at a friends' newly opened restaurant. He was so excited about his secret recipes and I felt obligated to try the pizza and bread sticks. I thought I would just try one piece and then when he asked me to taste another flavor, I couldn't say no! I was so mad at myself and yet, what should one do in that situation?